May Carnival of Natural Parenting: A new foray into family

Welcome to the May 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With or Without Extended Family

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how relatives help or hinder their parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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I attended my Mummu's funeral when I was fourteen. My Mummu, my mother's mother, had died of a swift and unexpected struggle with ovarian cancer in her early seventies.

I was given a passage of Scripture to read at the service. I worked hard beforehand at memorizing it and interpreting it with inflection. On the day of the funeral, I was so proud when I went up to the front, spoke clearly into the microphone, and pulled off the reading with a worthiness I felt was sure to earn some praise after the service.

I sat down, and one of my cousins was up next, to read another passage. He broke down sobbing in the middle of his text and had to be consoled so that he could finish ? in a broken voice, through his tears.

After he sat down, I realized: That's how my Scripture reading was supposed to have gone. That's how I was supposed to react to my grandmother's death.

But she had been all but a stranger to me. And her death was something abstract that wouldn't much affect my life.

I grew up as an Army kid. The longest I lived in any one place was four years; the shortest was six weeks (that was just after I was born). The closest we ever lived to extended family was four years living four and a half hours away from my paternal grandparents. We saw them three times a year then: summer, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Otherwise, I saw either set of grandparents usually once every year or so, and cousins every few years.

When I was sixteen, my dad retired from the military, and we settled into my maternal grandparents' former house (my grandfather had remarried after my Mummu's death and moved in with my step-grandma). For the first time in my life, I lived near grandparents, great-aunts, an uncle, an aunt, and a passel of cousins, both closely and distantly related. I remember thinking how weird it was that we hugged and kissed every time we saw them. I had thought that was something we did only when seeing each other after a long separation. It felt almost excessive to act so affectionate.

I had only two years near extended family before I graduated from high school and left the area again for college, then marriage, then a move across the country. I have still never gotten used to the idea of having extended family in my life on a regular basis, and it makes me wonder what I'm missing out on, and how it will affect my own parenting.

I also wonder now what it was like for my parents to live far from their own. They both grew up in neighborhoods near their own extended families, and most of their siblings stayed close by in adulthood. But having seen my parents' choice of living off on their own, I grew up expecting that's how it would be for me, too. Sure enough ? I went a thousand miles away for college, and then another two thousand to live, for good measure. It's not that I don't like my parents, and I often envy people who have nearby relatives to help out and become close to their kids. I love seeing my kids interact with my parents, siblings, and niece. I like most of my extended family members, too; I just don't know them all that well.

On Sam's side, he also happened to grow up far from family, due to his father's work. His parents had grown up near their families as well, but they took a different tack and have since settled in the middle of the country, far from their families of origin.

When we married, Sam and I assumed we'd continue the wandering ways we'd learned in childhood. We didn't anticipate loving Seattle so much we'd want to settle down, but that's what we've done ??two thousand miles from his family and three thousand from mine. Our parents are a mix of befuddled and resigned. They know they brought us up to this. There are many times I worry, Are we living on the wrong side of the country? Do my children deserve a closer relationship to their grandparents than I had? How much will I regret these missed years down the road? What level of fondness will our children have for our parents?

It makes me envision the future with my own children. Will they stay near, based on our modeling of staying put and letting down anchor? Or will they imbibe our example of living far from grandparents and hightail it? I would never force my children to stay nearby, but I have to admit to a hope that they'll want to keep living in this area, letting me grandparent (if it comes to that) on a regular basis instead of once or twice a year.

But the funny and somewhat sad thing is, I already feel some discomfort with the idea of being so close to my children. Mikko, multiple times a day, tells me he loves me, assures me I love my boys, and settles in for a hug or kiss. Alrik, naturally, would rather be with me than with anyone else. I have the nummies, after all.

There's this part of me that feels a whisper of doubt about whether this is healthy. Aren't children supposed to detach from their parents? Aren't they supposed to want to leave? That's what I've been taught, experientially, for two generations now.

I know it's stupid; I know it's a lie. I know it's absolutely normal and lovely that ? my goodness! ? my kids like me and want to spend time with me. I just feel myself fighting the urge to pull away and make them grow up, grow apart.

In the past, when I witnessed an extended family that got together for any excuse ? a cousin's birthday, an uncle's retirement ? and had a huge party, when the family ethos was that everyone was expected to attend any gathering ? I scoffed. I thought it seemed extravagant, and stifling, and old-fashioned. I've since seen it in a different light, but I know where I got those thoughts from: my own parents. In their example of not prioritizing travel for family weddings and even funerals, and in their assignment of condemnation against families who dared to be so glaringly close-knit.

I worry that I'll somehow not be able to overcome these inheritances of independence and isolation, that I won't be able to forge with Sam a new identity as a family. Will we be able to craft new traditions and new attachment, without that example embedded in our DNA? Can I parent without pushing away? Can I attachment parent growing and grown children without an example to follow?

I hope. I'll try.

How has your upbringing affected your expectations of closeness to extended family?

Some other posts of mine about extended family:

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Dealing With Unsupportive Grandparents ? In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, The Pistachio Project tells what to do when your child's grandparents are less than thrilled about your parenting choices.
• Parenting With Extended Family ? Jenny at I'm a full-time mummy shares the pros and cons of parenting with extended family...
• Parental Support for an AP Mama ? Meegs at A New Day talks about the invaluable support of her parents in her journey to be an AP mama.
• Priceless Grandparents ? That Mama Gretchen reflects on her relationship with her priceless Grammy while sharing ways to help children preserve memories of their own special grandparents.
• Routines Are Meant To Be Broken ? Olga at Around The Birthing Ball urges us to see Extended Family as a crucial and necessary link between what children are used to at home and the world at large.
• It Helps To Have A Village ? Even A Small One ? Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how she has flourished as a mother due to the support of her parents.
• The Orange Week ? Erika at Cinco de Mommy lets go of some rules when her family finally visits extended family in San Diego.
• One Size Doesn't Fit All ? Kellie at Our Mindful Life realizes that when it comes to family, some like it bigger and some like it smaller.
• It Takes a Family ? Alicia at What's Next can't imagine raising a child without the help of her family.
• A new foray into family ? As someone who never experienced close extended family, Lauren at Hobo Mama wrestles with how to raise her kids ? and herself ? to restart that type of community.
• My Mama Rocks! ? Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment is one lucky Mama to have the support and presence of her own awesome Mama.
• Embracing Our Extended Family ? Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares 7 ideas for nurturing relationships with extended family members.
• Doing Things Differently ? Valerie at Momma in Progress shares how parenting her children far away from extended family improved her confidence in her choices.
• Snapshots of love ? Caroline at stoneageparent describes the joys of sharing her young son's life with her own parents.
• Parenting with Relies ? A mixed bag ? Ursula Ciller shares some of her viewpoints on the pros and cons of parenting with relatives and extended family.
• Tante and Uncles ? How a great adult sibling relationship begets a great relationship with aunt and uncles from Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
• Tips for Traveling With Twins ? Megan at the Boho Mama shares some tips for traveling with infant twins (or two or more babies!).
• Parenting passed through the generations ? Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about the incredible parenting resource that is her found family, and how she hopes to continue the trend.
• My Family and My Kids ? Jorje of Momma Jorje ponders whether she distrusts her family or if she is simply a control freak.
• Parenting with a Hero ? Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet reminisces about the relationship she shared with her younger brother, and how he now shares that closeness in a relationship with her son.

• Text/ended Family ? Kenna of A Million Tiny Things wishes her family was around for the Easter egg hunt... until she remembers what it's actually like having her family around.
• Two Kinds of Families ? Adrienne at Mommying My Way writes about how her extended family is just as valuable to her mommying as her church family.
• My 'high-needs' child and 'strangers' ? With a 'high-needs' daughter, aNonyMous at Radical Ramblings has had to manage without the help of family or friends, adapting to her daughter's extreme shyness and allowing her to socialise on her own terms.
• Our Summer Tribe ? Justine at The Lone Home Ranger shares a love of her family's summer reunion, her secret to getting the wisdom of the "village" even as she lives 1,000 miles away.
• My Life Boat {Well, One of Them} ? What good is a life boat if you don't get it? Grandparents are a life boat MomeeeZen loves!
• Dear Children ? In an open letter to her children, Laura at Pug in the Kitchen promises to support them as needed in her early days of parenting.
• Yearning for Tribal Times ? Ever had one of those days where everything seems to keep going wrong? Amy at Anktangle recounts one such day and how it inspired her to think about what life must've been like when we lived together in large family units.
• I don't have a village ? Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wishes she had family nearby but appreciates their support and respect.
• Trouble With MILs-- Ourselves? ? Jaye Anne at Wide Awake Half Asleep explains how her arguments with her mother-in-law may have something to do with herself.
• A Family Apart ? Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings writes about the challenges, and the benefits, of building a family apart from relatives.
• First Do No Harm ? Zoie at TouchstoneZ asks: How do you write about making different parenting choices than your own family experience without criticizing your parents?
• Military Family Separation ? Amy Willa shares her feelings about being separated from extended family during her military family journey.
• Forging A Village In The Absence Of One ? Luschka from Diary of a First Child writes about the importance of creating a support network, a village, when family isn't an option.
• Respecting My Sister?s Parenting Decisions ? Dionna at Code Name: Mama's sister is guest posting on the many roles she has as an aunt. The most important? She is the named guardian, and she takes that role seriously.
• Multi-Generational Living: An Exercise in Love, Patience, and Co-Parenting ? Boomerang Mama at The Other Baby Book shares her experience of moving back in with Mom and Dad for 7 months, and the unexpected connection that followed.
• A Heartfelt Letter to Family: Yes, We're Weird, but Please Respect Us Anyway ? Sheila of A Living Family sincerely expresses ways she would appreciate her extended family?s support for her and her children, despite their ?weird? parenting choices.
• The nuclear family is insane! ? Terri at Child of the Nature Isle is grateful for family support, wishes her Mum lived closer, and feels an intentional community would be the ideal way to raise her children.

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